loves/loathes

Well, I suppose it is time for my second edition of loves & loathes. Here we go...

Loves:
-coming home to a clean and organized room. hubs rocks.
-i had the most brilliant thought to use my grandmother's name as my future daughters middle name. JOY. isn't it perfect!? Her name is actually Guiseppina, but my grandfather calls her Joy. i don't know how i have never thought of it before
-my nephew will be here any day now. i will officially be an AUNT!
-my best friend has a BF and she's so happy it makes me happy
-celebrating my other best friend's Halloween birthday party and making the costumes... I didn't have a baby to dress up, so might as well dress up myself and enjoy it...

Loathes:
-a super duper crappy cycle.
-no one to talk to that understands anything about infertility.
-having another Halloween baby-less. i vividly remember last year, so sure that it would be my last one.
-being tired and depressed pretty much 24/7
-having to take a break from TTC and not having a chance at my summer baby
-it's November, which means hubs mustache has sprouted :|

Well, that's it folks! xx

november first two thousand eleven

Can it really be November 1st? Today is the due date of my sister and brother in-laws first baby. The one that will make me an auntie.  The one that was not supposed to exist, but will. I am happy for this.

It also marks the 19th month of our TTC journey, and the beginning of a two month TTC break. A much needed break.

This cycle has been a bad one. Many strange things happened.
-late o
-no spotting until 25ishdpo. usually starts around 11dpo
-bad cramping for the past 7 days
-no sore and large bbs
-lots of BFNs - I can't bare to see another one of those
-AF has still not arrived 

Tomorrow hubs and I have an appointment with our RE. We will be discussing starting IUI in January, and my messed up cycle.

this and that

Well,  I have not been a very good blogger. I wanted to start this blog for myself. I wanted to keep track of my life happenings, memories, failures. But of course, the wedding season happened and for a wedding photographer, there is a lot of work involved. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed almost every minute of it, but it is a lot of work.

It has been exactly 2 months since my last post. Since then many things have happened and many things have stayed the same.

Husband and I, and two of our friends went on a 3 week European vacation, which included destinations such as Paris, Dublin, Amsterdam and of course ITALY.  A post about the trip will follow.

We are still not pregnant. I am still sad everyday. We have decided to do IUI in December/January if it does not happen.

We had our 2 year anniversary. 2 years.

I have so much going through my mind, but it is blank at the same time. It is hard to put into words what I am feeling, because really, there are no words to accurately describe it.

That's all for now.

loves/loathes

So, I have recently encountered an annoying short term memory loss issue. I  think since I have a gazillion things on my mind, and my to do list, I easily forget the important things in life.

Loves:
-finding milk glass vases for .89 cents at the Salvation Army
-when the most amazing husband in the universe buys me 2 new lenses for a wedding
-buying a backpack for our trip to Europe that is way to big for me
-my parents face when we told them we bought them a new stainless steel fridge
-friends that I haven't met face-to-face that have impacted my life and that make me happy
-organizing my desk
-getting amazing emails from clients who are thrilled with their photos
-shooting a wedding and getting images like this:

Loathes:
-I don't O for another week....O stands for ovulate people, get your minds out of the gutter.
-STRESS ahh I have so much of it to go around, and I hope it doesn't affect point #1
-ignorant people...35 is 35, not 41
-having a temporary bedroom with no windows and waking up with a headache and no sunshine every morning

And that wraps up this weeks addition of loves and loathes...until next time...
xo

L+L

My two loves.

Husband, aka Lucas and my baby Lexi.

As you can see, Lex is in desperate need of a bath. I shall put that on my to-do list with the other gazillion things.

the belly that isn't mine

Since I don't have one of these yet...I am a lucky duck to get to take photos of other girls bellies. Super duper cute bellies, I might add.

I love maternity and baby sessions. Period. Speaking of period, you can go away now, please and thank you!

white and pink

On a happy note.....
What do a couple of best friends, who happen to be wanna be party planners do when their other best friend gets engaged? Throw her a fabulous party!

And who may the wanna be party planner be? Me, duh! Katie and I made all of the desserts, all design done by me, and all decor is DIY!

The beautiful bride to be...

For the full story and more photos please check out the post on my photography blog... here!

Our party was also featured on bridal musings!

crazy hats and a tent

Yes, the weekend is over. And it started on a really bad note. The evil witch Aunt Flo decided to show her ugly face just in time for the annual M family cottage party. Typically I would be busy at husbands families, Christmas in July party...but I needed a break. Especially since the hideous AF knocked on my door just in time to drive the 2 hours to the cottage. Ugh, no white bikini bottoms for me.
I needed sunshine and water and my girls. We slept in tents because the cottage was full, played charades by the camp fire while roasting hot dogs and making s'mores. We had a mini Olympics and I threw a football into a bin from 20 feet. I was one of 9/100 shots that got in! Can I get a round of applause, please!?! We wore crazy hats, had a very dramatic dance party at 2am, and watched the stars on the dock. It was perfect. Minus having to run to the washroom every few hours, and not being able to get out of bed because of crippling stupid cramps.

The water was so warm, I went in! I WENT IN THE LAKE! That's a big deal dudes!

 Friday night crazy hat party...and maybe a few drinks too

My favourite girls. Life would not be complete without them...

                

and some sun flare.

'Party rock is in the house tonight
Everybody just have a good time
And we gonna make you lose your mind
Everybody just have a good time'

Yes, I just quoted LMFAO, one of many theme songs from our dance party.

yesterday, and the day before

Well, the dreaded RE results appointment and the weekend are officially over. Why the weekend is over already, I have no idea.

Overall, the results were ok. There is nothing seriously wrong with husband or I that should prevent pregnancy, just a few minor things, I won't bore you with details, I promise.

Doctor has been at the clinic and practicing for 1.5 years, he informed us. He was even-toned and gave off a chilly vibe. Not really the kinda vibe I want to get when discuss such pressing and important matters. He had options for us.

1. Wait it out. At least another 6 months.
2. Get a Laparoscopy. IF Endometriosis is found and removed, chance of pregnancy is increased to 50% each month of TTC, from about 20%. This surgery is not the least bit appealing, nor did doc think it was something that we should do.
3. IUI. The chance of a cycle of IUI working is 20%. IUI costs $1500 a cycle, including medicine.
4. IVF. The chance of an IVF  cycle working is 50%.  IVF costs $10,000 a cycle, including medicine.

Doc gave a brief overview of the procedures. He informed me, that with any procedure, there is an increased chance of having twins...or triplets, could we handle that? Hmmm.... yes, we know that, and yes we can.

...........................................................................................................................

And the verdict is...we are going to wait it out.

I am not ready to give myself injections, even though I don't have the slightlest fear of needles.
I am not ready to have my eggs removed and put into a petri dish with some sperm and have it grow into an embryo.

Maybe I will be someday. But not today, or tomorrow, or the day after that.

I have high hopes, and loads of faith that it will happen. SOON.


...........................................................................................................................

And because every post needs a photo.... It's my secret message in a bottle, baby dust....

...and lots of love.

tomorrow

That's me, the girl with the camera. I love that thing. 

Tomorrow husband and I have a very important appointment with our RE. I am freakin' terrified.

Here's the very short, and unemotional aspect of the scoop. We have been TTC,  that's trying to conceive, for 15 months. TTC a baby, did I need to clarify that? I guess I was naive when I made my life plan, marry young, build a house, have a baby, repeat. (Just the baby part, people!) We decided to start TTC around April 2010, thought it would take a few months, and I would get my summer baby. 

Fast forward 15 months...BAM...no baby. The first few months, we didn't think anything of it. We were happy newlyweds, and were just having fun and doing our thang! At the 6 month point, I started getting frustrated and upset each month when AF (that's Auntie Flo, or 'girl times' as my friends and I often refer to it as), and each month seeing that single pink line on the test made me more depressed and devastated.  How was it that all of these girls were getting pregnant like, BAM, and we were not. I could not understand it. I went to my doctors, and she informed me that it would happen, be patient, and if after 1 full year of trying, we had not conceived, she would refer us to a fertility clinic. She ASSURED me, this would not be the case. Well doc was wrong. She was awfully short with me when I went for my appointment and requested that referral. No, I did not want to try any longer, yes, I know I am still young and there is no rush, but we want a baby NOW!

Ok, fast forward again, to June 2011. Started going to the fertility clinic, had numerous tests, some painless, some painful, and tomorrow my friends, we get the results. 
TOMORROW.

the house that wasn't a home

Our first house. Started in Microsoft Paint, yes PAINT. Husband wanted to custom design and build our first house, and so he did.

The beginning. I was so excited during this time. Not only was my first house being built, but I was also planning our wedding. I definitely had on a brand new pair of shiny rose-tinted glasses. And they looked damn good on me, let me tell you.

Our house was finished in December, just in time for our first Christmas as newlyweds. Boy was I thrilled!

We knew that when we built the house, we wouldn't be there long, 2 years max. I thought it was perfect, Italian girl that had never left home, 24, recently married, beautiful new home, baby, repeat. That was my life-long plan. Well,  the first half of my life-long plan was working out quite nicely, married young to an amazing man, who built me a beautiful home, and then it just, stopped. We did not know that the grey coloured wall in the large spare bedroom, the one with the walk in closet, gorgeous morning light and FUTURE NURSERY written all over it, would remain grey, and unused. Except for the odd photography location, because the light in there was just that perfect. 

We loved the house. But it wasn't my dream house, nor was it perfect, but it was beautiful. We had very nice furniture, excellent stainless-steel appliances, hardwood floors, 4 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms, and a finished basement. But it was empty to me. It wasn't my home. Husband would leave for work and many days I would sit on the couch and cry, and edit photos, and cry, and dream, and cry.  And wait. I did a lot of waiting. I would go to the FUTURE NURSERY room and sit on the shiny, hardwood floor and dream of what it should look like. I kept telling myself that it was going to happen, just be patient. I didn't care if it was blue or pink, I was just sick of grey. 

Well the day we left our first house, I walked through all of the rooms, bare grey walls, shiny hardwood floors, spotless. I stopped in the future nursery room, and was comfortaed by the thought that, it was indeed, going to be a nursery, for a real baby. The couple that bought our house were expecting their first child. For a few moments, alone in my big, empty first house, I was happy.

On the day we moved out...the future nursery room...in all it's glory

I will always remember my first house, that wasn't quite a home.

the book

 

The book. It started out with words full of happy thoughts, hopes and dreams. It slowly turned to sadness, frustration, and then, well, nothing. I ran out of words. I ran out of wishes and prayers and those happy thoughts.  I don't look at 'the book' anymore. I refuse to be swallowed whole by the words in the book. The numbers.

The two words below, ironically, became two of the most common words that people would say to me...

...and it will happen. Well people, it hasn't.

But it will. I know it will. 

I might resume writing in the book again someday. Maybe.

sunshine and strawberries

Stories of an ordinary girl. That's me, the ordinary girl. My name is Natalie. I am a wife to the best husband. He's Lucas. We have a Pomeranian named Lexi. She is our only baby, for now.

I am a photographer and dreamer. Lover of all things pretty and vintage. I am 26.  I have been writing in a journal for a long time about my life and our journey of trying to have a baby. It's been a long one. Most of my days are spent behind a screen, editing lovely photos of lovely people. I love taking those photos. I am going to use this blog to blab and ramble the millions of things that run through my brain everyday, while I sit behind that screen. I want to start taking photos of our life, of everyday happenings, of things I adore and to freeze memories to pass onto baby.